Relationship tips

Men never came with an instruction manual, but here's the relationship tips:

What lies inside are the best-kept secrets of the male psyche.  Unlock them, and a prosperous love life awaits you!

Now then,

Have you ever worked with, or have friends who just seem programmed to be at ease with themselves.but are drop-dead gorgeous at the same time?  Has it blown your mind to think how EFFORTLESS it is for some women to be themselves while attracting men left and right??

Are they just blessed with dumb luck, or are they onto something you're not?

Let's tackle a few basic traits that generate surefire attraction with the opposite sex:

# 1: Treat yourself like a prize, and he'll follow suit

An irresistible woman knows that she's worthy enough of a man's time, affection, and most of all, RESPECT.  She never seeks out a man because she feels like a relationship will save her.

In fact, her life is so complete that she doesn't need a guy to fix her or make her whole.  A sassy woman is perfectly fine being single for the moment because she knows that Mr. Right will come along in due time.

There isn't any need to go into a panic or lower your standards just to make room for a guy who won't treat you the way you should be.  More importantly, you don't try attracting a man out of DESPERATION, because that isn't exactly an endearing quality.

It's absolutely essential to be a self-referenced woman who doesn't seek a man out of social pressure.  She allows a man into her life because he makes her happy and adds to her personal growth.

Her relationship doesn't define her life, but rather enriches it.  The problem with a lot of women is that they often date a man for the former reason and not the latter.
As a result, they'll act needy and clingy because they're deathly afraid of being alone, even if it means lowering their standards and putting up with any guy that comes along. 

Acting out of FEAR is never the basis for a healthy, long-term relationship.

Simply put, self-respect is done by placing value on yourself, and that in turn will prompt a quality man to treat you in the same manner.  Otherwise, an attractive woman has no problems showing him the door and moving on with her life.

# 2: Just say "NO" to mind games

The folly of manipulating a guy is that whatever happiness you'll get out of toying with his mind will be SHORT-LIVED.  Once you've dealt him your best cards and he's given up chasing after you, then there won't be much reason to stick around.

So don't bother adhering to a bunch of stupid rules.  There's plenty of harmful advice floating out there which are usually created out of specific experiences that don't apply to everyone.  You might hear that you should NEVER kiss on a first date, or that you must go to bed with him on the third one.

Please, these so-called rules are made by bitter and jaded people who want to protect themselves from getting burned again.  Following these will only result in game-playing, and that is just another word for "manipulation".

As I've just said, deception has no place in a healthy relationship, and anything based on a lie is bound to crumble in the future.  That's why it's more important to be a balanced woman instead.  That means no playing "hard to get", nor should you present him with absolutely no challenge at all. 

An attractive woman is who she is partly because she knows how to strike the middle ground: she doesn't mess with a man's head, but neither is she easily won over.

# 3: Get your head out of the clouds

You know, a lot of relationship problems are caused by having unrealistic standards.  When you get caught up in fantasizing about IMPOSSIBLE stereotypes, you're keeping quality men out of your life.

That's because NONE of them will be able to measure up to the ideal (read: ridiculously perfect) man living inside that fantasy world of yours!  Seriously, you should learn to temper your expectations with a sense of practicality.

In a parallel universe, all of the men you'll meet have big arms, ripped abs, stunning chiseled looks, and inexhaustible wealth.  You might think that meeting ALL of those qualities are the ticket to a great relationship, but it's so much more than that.

Ask yourself: will I be able to have a happy relationship if my man didn't have (insert trait here)?  If so, then you can either make your standards more realistic or cross out that specific item completely.  If not, then keep it on your list and move on to your other standards.

Pare down your list and stick to the essentials.  In twenty years from now, will a flawless physique still be important, as opposed to emotional maturity, faithfulness, or honesty?  Think about that for a while.

You're not living in a movie here - this is the real world you're in.  Don't wait around for a valiant knight to come barging in and rescue you from the drudge of your daily life. 

You'll have to do that for yourself.  That takes us to the next irresistible trait, which is to.

#4:  Derive fulfillment and satisfaction from your life, not a relationship

While a sassy woman will make room for a worthy man in her life, she's not about to turn her schedule upside-down just to accommodate his preferences.  She has the guts to go on living the way she was before they met.

It's very important not to lose focus on the other aspects of your life when you get into a relationship.  As we've discussed, your life should revolve around what works best for YOU.

Always have your priorities sorted and don't develop the habit of dropping everything else just for him.  While it's ok to occasionally move things around for your guy, always leave time for yourself as well adequate room for personal growth.

That's the problem with a lot of women - once a guy steps into the picture, everything goes haywire.  They forget their family and friends, slack off at work and basically drop off the face of the Earth.

That's not a healthy way to live your life.  Rather, a relationship should enhance the quality of your life and INSPIRE you to do even better.

Going back to what I mentioned before, whether or not you have a boyfriend at the moment shouldn't affect the big picture.  Balance your priorities by keeping him in the loop but not to the point where he's already disrupting your daily existence.

Referring again to our middle-ground metaphor, learn to go out of your way when appropriate but at the same time, avoid appearing too scarce.  Don't hide from him on purpose just to see how far he'll chase after you.

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How to attract a woman

Are you lost in a sea of information, grasping to find the real deal on how to attract a woman FOR KEEPS?  Does it seem like there's a new book coming out every week, leaving you deeper in confusion about which advice to take??

Worse, you have friends and colleagues giving you their own unique take on what works and what doesn't work in a relationship.  The World Wide Web is filled to the brim with all sorts of conflicting information, and it's hard to make sense of it all.

If all of the things those authors have tried in their own lives have worked for each and every one of them, why do their books cancel each other out?? 

There can be only so many versions of the truth out there; it can drive an average guy NUTS.

Well, this is where your INNER VOICE comes into play.  It's really up to you to decide which piece of advice would work BEST with your unique circumstances. 

And there are a lot of useful books out there that offer SENSIBLE, REAL-LIFE guidance on not only having an awesome love life, but a great lifestyle in general.
The stuff I'm talking about here is RULES.  Strict, rigid rules that will only curse you to singlehood 'til kingdom come. 

I have to tell ya, a lot of my own friends have been badly burned from following a bunch of arbitrary 'dating laws'. 

What you might not know is that these rules only serve to make clueless guys even MORE narrow-minded than they were before.

I get where these rules are coming from though.  With dating, so much can go wrong; believing that certain regulations within a clearly-defined system could somehow bring order to a chaotic environment.

And from a theoretical standpoint, following rules will safely keep you out of harms way (such as being rejected, getting dumped, etc.). 

However, real life doesn't work like that.

Personally, I'm more of a 'go with the flow' kinda guy.  I like to size up a situation and respond to it accordingly without a bunch of rules dictating my every move like I was some machine.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but you can't put the world of relationships into neat little compartments as if it was a science experiment.  Some people look at social dynamics in the same way as a computer program driven by inflexible rules (read: NOT true), and so they repeatedly run into DISASTER.

The thing is, a healthy, stable relationship (long-term or otherwise) isn't brought about by religiously adhering to these 'laws' like your life depended on it. 

Adaptability, creativity and RESPECT towards women will give a set of dumb rules an ass-whooping any day.

Most of these 'unbreakable' rules revolve around game-playing, manipulation and utter disregard for a woman's sensibilities.  Let's take a look:

- The best way to bring a woman down a couple of notches is to take a few pot shots at her ego.  The more beautiful she is, the more aggressive your disguised insults need to be.

- Before you get involved with someone new, you first need to give yourself an allowance of X number of years or months after breaking up with your previous girlfriend.

- After a date, wait X number of days before calling her back.

- You'll need to approach a woman within X number of seconds of spotting her.

What a doozy huh?  If I didn't know better, I'd be following these rules like crazy before I ultimately run my love life to the ground.

The people who came up with these rules are probably projecting their own experiences.  Therefore, its basically made to serve their OWN needs rather than every guy out there. 

Everybody's situation is different, so you can't expect to use these rules as a one-size-fits-all kind of glove for the ENTIRE dating scene.  These laws won't work for every single guy in the known universe, so it's really pointless to follow them to the letter.

It's more important to have a PERSONALITY that's suited to the dating world.  The truth is that you can't substitute your real self with these rules. 

A personality defined by self-confidence and non-neediness will be your best guide to making the RIGHT DECISION. 

Rules don't really capture the spirit of healthy dating. They MIGHT work for you this one time, but it doesn't follow that your precious rules will get you consistent results!

On the flip side, I can honestly appreciate the IDEA behind these rules, which is to prevent you from getting burned.  Yet, narrowing general guidelines down to extremely specific tenets simply won't work for all situations.

For instance, pinning down the exact number of days before calling ANY woman you date is just plain silly.  I mean yeah, you don't want to look super EAGER or NEEDY, but don't you think the level of attraction will VARY from girl to girl?

Maybe a certain date of yours seemed really interested to see you again, while another woman wasn't all that receptive to your advances.  That simply means you can't expect to apply one rule to two different people.

Since I'm feeling like a nice guy today, I'll give you some quick pointers on the ideas BASED on the rules we talked about:

 - Don't act like a woman's approval is your sole reason for living.  Seeking validation from someone other than yourself is NOT attractive.

- If she catches on that you're so DESPERATE to be in a relationship, you might end up driving her away.

- Don't make a big deal out of approaching a woman.  You'll be severely wrecking your chances if you hover around her, acting all jumpy and jittery.

Nonetheless, save the algorithms for other things, like rocket science.  You can't possibly reduce social dynamics down to a mathematical equation.

No computer can intelligently decipher the complex patterns of human behavior ' your BRAIN is the only tool that can do that.

Sure, rules may help you out when you're new to the dating scene, but in the long run you'll need to cut the umbilical cord and come into your own.  Eventually, you'll have to be someone that has a good amount of common sense and good judgment and won't need a bunch of rules to tell him what to do.

Furthermore, these rules pale in comparison to simply being a man who oozes with HIGH VALUE'instead of pretending to be one.

You can only get so far with pre-packaged templates for how to act around women.  In fact, putting up an act will put you at risk of women seeing right through the smoke and mirrors (which is what the rules are all about). 

Instead, you're better off cultivating a genuine personality that's consistent in word and deed.  Saying one thing and doing another is NOT the way to relationship bliss.

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Relationship

Here's what it feels like to a man when he first falls in love with a woman.  He feels happy.  His happiness flows naturally from expectations of something wonderful in his future.  He feels more connected with the world, even when she's not around.  His mind is compartmentalized, so he sometimes gets so engrossed in his work that he is literally surprised by the joyful emotions that erupt for a few seconds each time something reminds him of you during the course of his work day.

 If he continues down this road, the euphoria of love makes him start to adore everything about you.  The edges of your lips, your neckline, the tone of your voice, everything about you starts to seem perfect and magical.  He begins to fantasize about kissing you before his boss snaps him out of it in the middle of a meeting.  
 
This all sounds pretty close to what you would expect so far, right?  Well, what happens next may seem a little odd.  All those positive feelings build into a desire to become your lover.  What that means to a man is very different than what it means to a woman. 

In his quest to become your lover, a man's feelings will shift toward a desire to impress you.  That sounds nice, right?  Well, it can be nice, or not, depending on how you respond to him.

You see, men have a soft spot underneath the hard emotional exterior.  We may act tough, stubborn, angry, or macho on the outside, but all that is really serving a softer emotional need.  Men cannot thrive in a deep passionate type of relationship unless they feel they have a woman's admiration and respect. 
If your man thinks you like him, but he feels you do not really admire him, the "in love" feelings will quickly fade and often extinguish completely like the wick of a candle that has been snuffed out. 

If you snuff out the fire from the wick of a candle, it's out.   You can warm up to him all you want, but he will feel cold and only respond by blowing little wisps of smoke into your face from the extinguished flame.  Many women have felt this.  Some women have been through it more than once in a marriage. 
Men desire admiration in a way that women would find hard to believe.  Testosterone is, as you know, the male sex hormone.  When it is active, he feels manly and alive.  He feels happy.  Did you know a man's testosterone is affected by the way people treat him?  It's true.  If you put a man in a position where he is treated like the low man on the totem pole, his testosterone will drop. 

After a group of men are thrown together, there is a sorting-out period when a "pecking order" is established.  No one talks about it.  It just happens.  If you watched a video tape of interactions among men after about five days, you would be able to tell who was more of the alpha-male at the top end, and who the people were lower on the pecking order.  If you measured each person's testosterone before and after grouping them together, those at the bottom would experience a drop in testosterone while those toward the top would experience an increase. 

Why does this matter?  Because men will lose interest in anyone that accidentally tromps on their ego.  And there are all kinds of ways this happens without you meaning to do it!  The feeling can come from something as simple as the tone of voice you use when offering a compliment! 

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Marriage

Your Marriage Versus the World
 
I was driving through downtown Chicago on the interstate when I saw the sign.  "Life is short.  Have an affair."  These bold words were accompanied by a suggestive image involving two good looking people.  I felt a shockwave go through my nervous system at the sight of that sign.  It was like an assault on everything good, right, and noble in this world.  The advertisers?  An attorney firm specializing in divorce!  I can't express my level of disgust.

Your marriage is under constant attack by societal forces you do not control.  Do you think affairs are contagious?  I recently read an article about two couples that spent a lot of time together.  It wasn't long after the first couple stumbled that one of the partners from the second couple began "exploring their options" outside their committed relationship. 
 
My point is this.  Your marriage is under assault.  There are many ways society pushes us toward selfish thinking.  The influence is often subtle.  After all, what's wrong with Burger King's motto, "Have it your way," or the Haagen-Dazs slogan, "Pleasure is the path to joy?"  There's really nothing wrong with those logos if taken in isolation.  The problem occurs when we receive multiple messages all day long telling us our happiness can be found by putting ourselves first. 

Any of you who have been married for any time at all know what happens when we put ourselves first.  Marriage sucks.  It becomes nothing but a trap, or a prison sentence.  Both people are in it for themselves, but stuck making decisions jointly.  There's a better way, of course, and you know what it is.
The romantic term for it is "true love."  I think of true love as a choice.  It happens when two people simultaneously love somebody else more than they love themselves.  They put the other person's needs and happiness at the highest priority.

The result, marriage becomes the best thing ever!  Nothing compares with it.  It's better than a warm chocolate brownie smothered in vanilla ice cream, served on a tropical beach in Hawaii while you wait for your massage!  Loving someone else feels good!  Being loved back feels amazing.  Combine the two and anything you do to achieve it will be worth it.
 
Of course, you know the problem with this.  Despite your best intentions, you end up not doing or saying what makes the other person feel loved completely and totally.  You recoil in shock when your effort to be "normal" is met with an angry misinterpretation of your actions, attitudes, or words.  Then all hell breaks loose.  A rolling snowball effect is unleashed on your marriage as frustrations crumble all your good intentions into selfish retreat.  Sound familiar to anyone?

I wish I knew everything.  I wish I was the wisest person that ever lived.  Unfortunately I'm not.  But I have benefited from a process of sifting.  I have sifted through the experiences and accumulated wisdom of hundreds of years-worth of relationships successes and failures.  In all that sifting, I came across a gem of particular beauty and rare value once in a while.   I've been collecting those gems, and there's one I'd like to show you now.

 It is based on the concept that men and women intend to love each other and create romantic bliss, but they sometimes lack awareness of the unique ways their partner experiences interaction with them.  For women, the biggest blind spot has to do with the weird ways men obsess about the issue of admiration and respect. 

Don't get me wrong.  Respect is not everything.  But it is one issue that gives back power to women who truly desire to make their husbands feel loved.  It's the strangest thing, but survey research has revealed that the vast majority of men cannot distinguish between the ideas of being loved and being respected. 

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